Memories
by Sukika-chan
Summary: GrimmjowxUlquiorra. Ulquiorra recalls his past, both as an arrancar and as a human. Yaoi, don't like it, don't read it. Anyway, not much else to say, the title kind of describes it...
1. Prologue

~Prologue~

It's such a simple question. But it never leads to a simple answer.

Why?

Why was my life turned upside down so suddenly? My life was twisted, and I learned too late that I should never have fallen in love. Maybe I would have saved both of us in time. Maybe I wouldn't have been caught by surprise. Maybe I could have won. But, even so...if I had defeated Kurosaki, could our lives have really been better?

And that is a question that will never be answered. After all, even fate can be changed. Could...no, _would_ Aizen-sama understand this feeling? But those are just meaningless daydreams. To face the reality, I didn't defeat Kurosaki. I couldn't save both of us. I had lost.

But, perhaps, maybe the end wasn't really an end.

Maybe it was just the beginning of something new...

Waaaaah, so short! X3 Whyyyyyyyyyy?????????? Oh well. It's still Winter Break!! I still have more time...maybe. But, I promise, this will go on. Okay, maybe I won't _promise_ but I would say most likely this will continue. If you're not sure, this is in Ulquiorra's point of view. The whole thing is going to be in Ulqui-chan's POV, so you should expect calm, emo-ness. Haha, just kidding. But, no, it's not going to be filled with cuss words (haha, who does that sound like? To me, it sounds like a certain kitty...XD


	2. Past

Memories – Chapter One

"Ulquiorra? Ulquiorra Schiffer!"

My eyes snapped open. My vision slowly cleared and I found myself sitting at a table. _Ah, _I thought, _another Espada meeting of course._ But then I heard the snickers and giggles of the rest of the Espada. It was then I realized that I must have fallen asleep and Aizen-sama had woken me. I tried to stop the flow of blood towards my cheeks, and of course I won the battle. After all, I was the calm, stoic one wasn't I?

"Once my dear Cuatra Espada has fully awaken from his slumber --"

More snickers and giggles (the giggles from Szayel Aporro, of course).

"You are dismissed, my Espada. Cuatra Espada, stay behind."

I looked up in my sense of surprise, which wasn't really surprised. I spotted the Sexta Espada, Grimmjow Jeagerjaques, looking at me with a puzzled expression on his face. As our eyes locked, he quickly looked away, a slight pink on his cheeks. Szayel Aporro asked him something that, obviously, annoyed him. Of course, Szayel was probably talking about his new invention that I never really knew about since I always ignored him.

"Fuck OFF!!" Grimmjow snarled as Szayel went into details. Szayel laughed nervously and floated away.

"Ulquiorra."

I turned around. "Yes, Aizen-sama?"

"This way." He replied, leading me into his office.

"Stand here and wait." he ordered, and I heard a menacing tone on the edge of his voice, masked by a soft, gentle smile on his face.

I stood in front of his desk and waited. While I waited, I looked around the room. Papers were neatly stacked on his desk and the walls were a pale, clean gray. Before I knew it, Aizen-sama had returned. And the first thing I noticed in his hand...

A packet of papers. But that wasn't what caused my eyes to widen slightly.

A stark, black whip with knots tied in it securely.

I felt my fear build up deep within me. What was going on?

"Ulquiorra, look at these." Aizen-sama said in a cheery voice. He threw the papers near me.

The pages fluttered next to me, and instinctively I caught them. My eyes scanned over them, and I caught the words "abuse" and "death." But something that caused my stomach to flip was the name that sounded so familiar to me, but when I put thought to it, I didn't know why...

Yuki.

~End of Chapter One~

So...any better? Yes, still short, but trust me, once the plot gets REALLY intense, it'll start getting longer...and longer...and longer...and yeah. So...PLEASE REVIEW! IT'S ONLY A LITTLE BUTTON AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE AND JUST CLICK IT AND TYPE STUFF! Okay, maybe not random stuff, like, "I love Junjou Romantica!" (well, I'd agree with you) But, even so, please review! And this is my first Bleach fanfic, so...um...not that the info would do much, but...yeah.

Happy New Year's!


	3. Past Part Two

Memories – Chapter Two

"Well, do you remember?" he said, still smiling.

"I...I do not understand, Aizen-sama," I replied, trying to keep my voice steady.

"This is you." Aizen-sama explained.

"How could this be me, Aizen-sama? This is a mere human," I reasoned, slowly taking the photograph Aizen-sama had given me.

"Human. That is the key word." Aizen-sama sighed. "Have you ever wondered about your past life? I could see what you were seeing before I 'woke' you up."

I looked up from the photograph and looked back down wordlessly. It was then I noticed that his eyes were filled to the brim with fear, and it sent a shudder down my spine. What could I, as a human, have been so afraid of

*"Yuki...pale, lonely, and cold...doesn't it sound like you?"

"May I ask a question about this subject we are discussing?" I asked.

"My pleasure, Ulquiorra," Aizen-sama replied in his cheery voice.

"Why...would you have a photograph of this...human? And why does he look so utterly afraid?" I asked.

"Well, remember what you saw?" he asked.

"Yes, Aizen-sama," I replied hesitantly.

"Did you see the father abusing the poor boy?"

"...yes, Aizen-sama," I said, my stomach clenching.

"Do you know who the father is?" Aizen-sama asked. His tone had changed and his voice sounded intimidating.

"No, I do not, Aizen-sama."

"Does this remind you of anything?" he asked again, reverting to his cheery voice. He whisked the knotted whip towards me.

It was then I knew. Could this possibly be happening?

I turned the whip over in my hands. The rope was aged, and there were stains all over it. Whether they were bloodstains, I did not know. As I gazed at it in horror, I slowly backed up towards the wall. Before I knew it, a hand whizzed next to my cheek and slammed onto the pale grey wall.

"Father?" I instinctively found myself saying. I clamped a hand over my mouth. Why did I say that?

"Ah, see?" Aizen-sama leaned closer to me. "You _do_ remember."

"I do not remember anything, Aizen-sama," I replied, keeping my gaze steady.

"Yes, you do." Aizen-sama growled, a grin stretching across his face. I had never seen him so frightening before.

"Time's up." he whispered before lunging towards me.

~End of Chapter Two~

* Yuki means snow, if you were wondering. ^_ ^

OMG, SUSPENSE! Okay, I know it's STILL short, but trust me, it'll get longer. But I'm thinking the same thing you are – GYAAAH, WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO TO ULQUI-CHAN, OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But yeah. Once again...PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!!!!!!!! Okay, I'm done.

Thanks for reading! - Sukika-chan


	4. Past Part Three

Memories – Chapter Three

_"So...you are Jeagerjaques?"_

_It was the first thing I had said to Grimmjow when I had first met him. I remember him, grinning and laughing at me._

_"So...who's this?" he sneered._

_"Has Aizen-sama not told you, trash? I am Ulquiorra Schiffer." I said to him slowly, as if he was mentally disabled._

_"Feh – Aizen's told me. His dog, huh?" he mocked me._

_I paused for a moment, finding it hard to talk to him. I turned to leave, but his hand caught my shoulder and whipped me around painfully. I found myself looking up into his aquamarine eyes._

_"Running away 'cause it's hard talking to me?"_

_It had felt like my heart had stopped. This man who I barely knew...how could he see through even my very most desperate efforts to remain emotionless? I merely glared at him, not replying._

_"Tch, you're kinda interesting," he said, still grinning, releasing my shoulder and turning around._

_"Someday, I'll break you and see what you're really made of." he growled as he walked away from me._

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

_Months passed, and it seemed that whenever I thought I was alone, there he was. Always near me. At first I thought it was just a coincidence, but I was wrong. I didn't know why at the time. But there was something in me that seemed to pull towards him. I always resisted, but I couldn't help glancing at him from time to time. And before I knew it, I was tangled up in my emotions. But I resisted it at the time, and now that I think about it, I wonder how I was able to._

_Sometimes it even seemed like Grimmjow was feeling the same things that I was, but perhaps both of us were too scared to admit it. Whenever we walked by each other in the hallways, we merely glared at each other or Grimmjow would give a rude remark. But his eyes reflected something unknown and I never realized what it was. After all, I was Ulquiorra Schiffer, the man with no emotions...wasn't I?_

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

I soon realized that I was wrong as I stumbled back to my room, my insides churning after my 'little talk' with Aizen-sama. I felt fear travel up my spine and broken into pieces at the same time. I ached all over and I could still feel the stings upon my back. As I collapsed against the wall in my room, I thought about what I had gone through in my human life and my 'life' now. Those two lives were so different – and yet, they were so similar at the same time. The same abuse and the same sadness mixed with hatred...but my human life was so much happier at times, like the times when Mother would bake me a cake on my birthday, how Father would run his hand through my hair...

My eyes slowly closed as I drifted into an uneasy dream of darkness and pain...

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

"Ulquiorra! Hey, you asshole, wake up!"

I opened my eyes slowly and focused in on a pair of aquamarine eyes.

"Get out, you bastard!"

My eyes fluttered wide open immediately when I recognized the voice. I found Grimmjow looming over me, a disgusted look on his face.

"What are you doing in here, you ass?" he growled at me.

Ah, Grimmjow's vocabulary never ceased to amuse me. Nevertheless, I rose slowly and painfully, not bothering to answer his question.

"What the hell...how did you get so damn bloody?" he exclaimed, backing away from the wall where I was slumped across. I turned to see what he was talking about and realized that the blood from the stings on my back had been smudged all over the wall.

"That...that is nothing for you to know." I replied hastily, turning to leave the room. Why was he yelling at me in the first place? I looked up at the room number – six. My eyes widened a centimeter. Could I have been so delirious that I had stumbled into the wrong room? And Grimmjow's room too?

I felt a hand grab me roughly by the shoulder and whip me around.

"Tell me what the hell is going on."

Not knowing what to say, I ripped his hand off my shoulder, glared at him, walked out the room as fast as I could, and slammed the door. But before the door fully closed, I saw emotions flitting in Grimmjow's eyes. Was it worry or pain?

This time I checked every room number. Finally arriving at the door of the fourth room, I locked the door as I entered. Leaning against the door, I could hear my heart beating and I felt an unbearable heat rise in my chest as I thought about Grimmjow. I shook my head slightly to clear my thoughts. I wondered if maybe, just maybe, tomorrow would be different. If I could forget about all that had happened, if I could just erase everything I had seen today – would things return to the way it was before? Perhaps everything would end here and I would never have to think about these things again.

But, deep inside, I knew that this wasn't the end...

~End of Chapter Three~


	5. Author's Note

~Author's Note~

Yes, I'm just as disappointed as you are. Not a new chapter, but just an author's note. But PLEASE don't close the window you are reading this on – there's some important information that's going to go out in this note. Whether you like it or not, it's what's going to happen.

Anyway, no, I'm not quitting this fanfiction. I was originally going to not post this, but I checked the Story Alert list for this fanfiction...and wow. Just wow. You guys rock, and I'm glad that you like this fic so far. However, this fanfic will be on HIATUS (yet AGAIN!! -_- I want to keep on writing this, but...blame school work and homework XDDD)! It will not be updated in a long time (what I mean by "a long time", means maybe it will be starting up in SUMMER VACATION) and the new chapter may not be out until after two weeks of summer (I'll be going to China, but maybe I'll have some time over there to write a little more if I bring my precious compy). So...don't scream or yell at me – this is just how it's going to go. Since there is (I think) only ONE long weekend for the next few school months, it's just not going to be enough time since the next chapter will (most likely) be a BIGGIE. As in, it might be the longest chapter in this whole thing. Meaning, LOTS of stuff will happen, you'll see more heart-breaking, love-dovey-ness of GrimmUlqui and you'll even see Ichigo for a few sentences. But without me rambling on TOO much, I just want to warn you guys that I'm not going to be updating in a while. Thanks for your support and please don't get mad at me~ ;;

~Sukika-chan


	6. Present

The next few days were painfully slow. Seconds felt like minutes. Minutes felt like hours. Hours felt like days. And days like years...I couldn't stand it much longer. It was the first time in my life that I had ever felt like running away from Hueco Mundo. But I knew – Aizen would _always_ find me, no matter where I ran, it was like I was a fly caught in his spiderweb, his prey forever more...

It was only a week later that Aizen held yet another meeting. Perhaps situations were getting out of hand and we needed even more orders than we already had...whatever the reason, the whole week I had been holed up in my room, too scared to face Aizen or the other Espada after what had happened. But this time I _had_ to face him. There wasn't a choice...but instead of arriving early at the meeting like I usually did, I waited for one of the Espada to knock on my door...perhaps, just _perhaps_, Aizen would cancel the meeting. My stomach twisted into knots. For one of the few times in my life, I was terrified.

I waited. And waited. _Perhaps he really did cancel the meeting,_ I thought to myself desperately, listening to the clock tick, each second menacing. _Please...I don't want to face him..._

"Oi, Ulquiorra!" There was slamming on the door. My eyes widened a centimeter. There was no way, it couldn't have been...

"Oi, you shithead, get out here!"

There was no mistake. It _was_ Grimmjow. My heart sank. What would I do? What _could_ I do? My mind snapped – of course. Just act as if nothing had happened. Become the Cuatra Espada, Ulquiorra Cifer, the man that wasn't the _real_ me...

"I'll break down the door if you don't get out here! Aizen'll have my ass if he doesn't have his loyal _dog_ by his side!"

After deciding that Grimmjow had already broken down enough doors (and walls) as it was, I slowly rose and unlocked the door. I gripped the door knob, but hesitated. _What would I say? What would –_

My thoughts were interrupted when Grimmjow slammed the door open. If not for my nimble leap backwards, I would have been a pancake behind that door.

"Tch. Finally. What the hell were you doing in there? Applying make up?" Grimmjow sneered.

"It's none of your business." I replied, my voice hoarse.

"Hm." Grimmjow didn't sound convinced. I stared at the floor, not knowing what to do.

"Don't just stand there like a fucking retard! _Move_!" Grimmjow exclaimed after about five seconds of silence, giving me a hard push in the direction of the meeting room. I found myself falling forward and I had to grip the wall for support. Since when did my body become so weak?

I lumbered towards the meeting room, pretending that I was oh so strong, even though everything seemed to be spinning around me as I drew closer to where Aizen was. Grimmjow merely stared at my back. Were the bloodstains still there?

We finally arrived at the meeting room. I took a deep breath...and I pushed the door open. Grimmjow followed closely behind.

Aizen and all the Espada turned to stare at me. My body felt like it was burning when my eyes met Aizen's. There was a strange look in his eyes – triumph? Desire? Whatever it was, it sent shivers down my spine, although I didn't show anything on the outside. I walked nonchalantly towards my chair. As I pulled it out, the squeaks that it had emitted seemed to be so _loud_...

Grimmjow had already taken his seat, pausing a moment to send an icy glare at Aizen, who ignored it. As I took my seat, Grimmjow's gaze reverted back to me. We stared at each other for just a moment – and then I quickly looked down.

Aizen finally began the meeting. However, I couldn't concentrate and Aizen's words sounded like a foreign language...I tried to keep awake while listening to Aizen, who droned on and on. I could feel Grimmjow's eyes on me, but I ignored the burning sensation inside of my heart. What was that feeling, deep inside of me? It hurt and...it felt so..._forbidden_...

"...and that is all for the time being. You are now dismissed, my dear Espada." Aizen finally said, leaning back in the chair. He shot another stare at me. I looked around instead – most of the Espada were already in the doorway, having casual conversations with each other. Grimmjow was by the doorway, but he didn't seem to be leaving – was he waiting...for...me?

Realizing that the voices of the other Espada were gradually fading away, I rose from my chair quickly, almost overturning the chair. I turned and walked past Aizen as fast as I could, but I could still feel his gaze boring into the back of my neck. My body still felt feverishly hot all over...and I could feel needles of tension pricking into my skin. Grimmjow was still there, but he didn't look at me.

I was almost out of the doorway when I heard that cold voice behind me. "How's _Yuki_?"

I froze in the doorway, my eyes widening a good one and a half centimeters. "I...he...he's fine, Aizen-sama..." I bit my lip – how could I have been sounding so utterly _weak_ in front of Grimmjow?

I suddenly found myself almost running to my room – I suddenly couldn't control myself, the cool, composed Ulquiorra Cifer was disappearing and I was left only with the human feelings of Yuki...wait – human? Feelings? I stopped, gasping a little by the door to my room. There was no way that a _hollow_, let alone an _Espada_ could be feeling such things! But I knew that my human counterpart was deep inside, somewhere, still hiding –

"What. The. _Hell_ is going on?!"

I whipped around, but I already knew who was behind me. Grimmjow.

"It – you wouldn't...understand..." I said finally, my deep green eyes locking onto a pair of aquamarine eyes.

He grabbed my shirt collar. "Who the hell is Yuki?!"

I stared up at him and looked away. _What would I tell him?_ But I knew that Grimmjow wouldn't stop until he knew the truth.

"Yuki is..." I choked on my words, as if they were made of sand. "Yuki was me. Yuki was when I was a human."

"But...he is _still_ me." I whispered. There was no going back now.

Oooh...what a crappy ending...*smacks self* Okaaay...so it wasn't the BIG one that I was going to write...but instead we'll drag it out longer so we can see more GrimmUlqui! That okay with you guys? But anyway, uh, I am just SUPER DUPER sorry for the long wait...school and going to China...arrgh!! And once I got back from China, I burned a finger and ripped a toenail!! It just doesn't get much better, huh? Haha, well, see you guys until next time! Hope you enjoyed!!

Oh and I supposed I'll need to stress it again – please, please, _please_ review! Thank you! Hugs and kisses for everyone!

~Sukika-chan


	7. My guilt a preview of the next chapter

_..._And because I feel so horribly awful that I haven't updated in months, I have included, below, a preview of the next chapter. I am soooooooo sorry, but I'm working on the new chapter, and it's halfway through so...please enjoy!! Gomenasai!!

"Yuki!!_" I called out for him. I suddenly saw him, his body falling down the cliff, hitting the rocks painfully. He fell down, down, downwards, like a rag doll. I scrambled towards him, but deep inside, I already knew it was too late._

"_Yuki!!" I shook his shoulders when I reached him. "**Yuki!!**"_

"_Kyou...su...ke..." he gasped out, one feeble hand gently grasping my shirt. And I felt it. The last beat of his heart. Then silence. His eyes had closed, never to open again._

_And because of me, he had died...in my arms._

_**Everything was my fault.**_


	8. Present Part Two

"Yu...ki."

I almost flinched when Grimmjow grabbed my wrist roughly. Suddenly, my hand felt something warm and smooth in its palm. I looked up at Grimmjow. He had pressed my hand gently against his cheek.

"Do you...remember...me?" Grimmjow had a distant look in his eyes.

"Grimm...jow?" I whispered hesitantly, confused.

Grimmjow seemed to snap back to reality. He threw my hand down painfully, and it hit against the wall, throbbing.

"Tch." he growled, turning his head away. "Looks like I've been getting soft myself." He turned around.

"It's time to tell my side of the story," he said, slamming the door to my room open. "Come on."

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

_I nibbled his ear playfully. Yuki giggled._

"_That tickles..." He put his arms around me._

_I couldn't help but smile. He was an angel, so damn beautiful. I continued, my lips tracing the side of his neck. Suddenly, I felt a smooth, pale hand on my arm._

_Yuki smiled up at me, a faint blush tinging his cheeks. "I love you, Kyousuke."_

"_Love ya too. But damn, stop being so fucking sexy!" I growled playfully, narrowing my eyes._

"_I wasn't trying to." Yuki replied, a slight pout on his lips._

"_Ugh, you did it again!" I pounced onto his collarbone, nipping it slightly._

_Yuki's face became serious. "I told you..."_

_I smacked my hand against my forehead. "You really took me seriously?"_

_Yuki smiled slightly. "Hm, I should know not to take you seriously."_

_I smiled again, my hand gently caressing his cheek. He leaned into my touch, sighing happily. My other hand began unbuttoning his shirt._

_Yuki suddenly rose, gasping. "Wait – stop, Kyousuke, please –!"_

"_Yuki, what –?!" My hand that had been unbuttoning his shirt suddenly came in contact with something rough, contrasting so much from Yuki's pearly, smooth skin._

"_What is this...?!!" I suddenly saw it. My eyes widened, and my body quivered with horror._

_Ugly scars were embedded within the skin on Yuki's back. The scars were deep, and had been ripped open again and again. My blood turned to ice, my jaw frozen in anger._

"_Kyousuke!!" Yuki cried, wrapping his shirt around him protectively. He trembled with fear._

_I found myself grabbing my shirt and pulling it on. I stormed down the hallway like a madman, snatching the keys off the counter._

"_Kyousuke, please, stop!! _Kyousuke!!_" Yuki cried, his hands reaching out for me._

_I almost threw Yuki into the passenger seat of my car._

"_You're coming with me." I snarled, slamming the doors._

_Yuki didn't say a word during the first few minutes during the car ride._

"_It was your father, right? Fucking bastard did all of these things to you, didn't he? _Shit!_" I punched the steering wheel._

"_Well...yes," Yuki replied, his voice strained. "It...it was my father who did these things, but --"_

"_I don't want to hear your "buts"," I growled, turning onto a steep road that traveled up onto a tall mountain. "I'm gonna kick that guy's ass once and for all."_

"_But – _Kyousuke, stop!!_" Yuki suddenly cried. "_You're driving at one hundred twenty miles an hour!!"

_One hundred twenty, huh? Not so bad._

"_The faster we get there, the faster I get to kick his ass." I replied grimly._

"_You're going to get us killed!!"_

"_Then it'll be like the movies. Lovers die together."_

"_Kyousuke, stop the car!!" Yuki grabbed my sleeve._

_The movement, for some reason, made my anger intensify. I slapped his hand away, causing my other hand on the wheel to veer to the right suddenly. The car screeched, slamming against the railing. The railing gave way, cracking open as our car skidded sideways off the cliff of the mountain. Everything after that felt like a movie slowed down._

_The car combusted, a searing heat ripping across my skin. I hit a rock and, with great effort, I clung to it._

"Yuki!!_" I called out for him. I suddenly saw him, his body falling down the cliff, hitting the rocks painfully. He fell down, down, downwards, like a rag doll. I scrambled towards him, but deep inside, I already knew it was too late._

"_Yuki!!" I shook his shoulders when I reached him. "**Yuki!!**"_

"_Kyou...su...ke..." he gasped out, one feeble hand gently grasping my shirt. And I felt it. The last beat of his heart. Then silence. His eyes had closed, never to open again._

_And because of me, he had died...in my arms._

_**Everything was my fault.**_

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

Um...well. That was awfully depressing. By the way, if you're a little confused by the flashback, it's Grimmjow telling his story. Yes, he was the one who killed our Yuki/Ulqui, but of course, it's not as simple as just that. It was a horrible accident, tragic and fatal. So, yeah, Grimmjow's life kinda sucked. But anyway, I bet you wanna know what happened Kyousuke, don't you? Huh, huh, huh? (haha, I'm so weird) Well, you'll find out next chapter! (oh, and I bet you know what I'm gonna say next – PLEASE REVIEW!! And when/if you review, please tell me what you want to happen next, since next chapter's idea is still kinda wavering on me, so if you have any suggestions, please tell me!)

Thanks for reading, of course!

With love,

Sukika-chan


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